Snows Silence
by Mistclaw
Summary: To Edward there were always two choices: life or death. What happens when he chooses the latter will fling those he loves into his own personal hell. Rated M for very dark themes and attempted suicide. Parental Roy!Ed in later chapters as well as some brotherly love.
1. Chapter 1-One Frigid Morning

**I know it's been a whole year since you've heard anything from me, well if you followed me on Deviantart then it's been a few months. I could go on and on about why I suddenly disappeared but I'll keep it short and to the point: I was severely depressed and suicidal. This story that you are about to read was originally a oneshot that got way too long for my liking, so it shall be a story instead. I'll try to upload to it as much as I can, but I can't make too many promises incase I can't keep them. **

**The truth is that I am still depressed with the occasional suicidal thought, after leaving the hospital for the second time my life has changed. I was looking back on my life and remembered a long forgotten coping skill: writing. I then remembered all the people here that enjoyed my fanfictions, all the positive feedback and all the friends I had made. I miss that and hope to bring some of that old feeling of hope and joy back into my life. **

**I hope this helps you as much as it helps me, because if you are reading this and are going to continue reading then you will be with me as I recover. There are going to be ups and downs, days were I won't be able to even look at my own writings, but the thought of not being alone through it makes me feel better. I thank you all for sticking with me as I gradually begin to change my way of thinking. And if you don't stay along for the ride I thank you for even taking the time to look at my writings.**

**Anyway, I will end it here before this gets way too long, I have the habit of babbling on and on. If you really want to hear more about it feel free to send me a message, I always answer as honestly as I can. Just remember that no matter what I love you all. Even though I have never met you I still do, because you took the time out of your day to read the ramblings of a depressed nineteen year old girl.**

**I really hope you will like this story, since it touches me on a deeper level even as I write this.**

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**One Frigid Morning**

It was one of the coldest mornings Central had experienced. The actual temperature was twelve but with the wind chill it felt like it was in the negatives. Snow and ice from days before was scraped from the sidewalk and into the narrow alleyways. The snow was faintly sparkling in the light of the rising sun. Most people were indoors, staying warm before the trek to work. There would be no one outside for an hour or so, just enough time for Edward Elric's plan to go through.

Today was the day all his wrongs would be righted.

The young blond was sitting at his desk, bloodshot eyes fixed on the paper he was writing on. The paper was stained with tears in places, making a few words run down the page. With one final flourish of his pen Ed was done. He let the writing utensil fall to the ground with a faint clunk as it hit the wooden floorboards. He straightened his hunched over form and sadly looked over the paper one last time, tears threatening to make more of the message unreadable.

The note contained his plan and reasons, a letter directed towards Al, who would hopefully read it. Hell the colonel could read it for all he cared as long as his final musings were read. The truth was he just couldn't live like this any longer. He couldn't stand being Mustang's dog that was sent into dangerous dead ends weekly. He was just a burden to both his brother and the colonel and he was sick of it.

With a weary sigh Ed dried his eyes with the back of his hand and set the note on his pillow, face down in case Al found it too early. With his plan already going smoothly he calmly slipped on his red jacket and left his room, casting one last glance at the dimly lit area he had once called his own.

Al was in his own room, busy with research, the only problem would be getting past without his brother seeing him.

Careful of his bulky boots on the hard wood floor he tip toed through the short hallway. As he neared Al's door he held his breath, insides twisting with anxiety and a strange sort of excitement. He peaked around the corner of his brother's doorway and looked into the room.

Alphonse was at his desk, back to him as he worked. By the way his armor was hunched over; Edward guessed he was focused intently on his work. Tears threatened to fall once more as he remembered the night Al had been put into that hollow shell. He remembered screams, blood, and his own frightful tears. It was his entire fault that it had happened and finally he was to pay the price for his mistake, for trespassing into god's domain.

With one final glance at his younger brother Ed snuck past the door, thankful that the floorboards didn't utter their usual creaks. It seemed that the world was on his side tonight. As he entered the living area he confidently strode across the carpeted floor and into the small kitchen, towards the door. He felt resolve bubble up inside of his chest as he walked to the door. Today would be his final day on Earth.

Gently he opened the dorm room door and quickly slid out, carefully closing it. He heard a faint click as the bolt locked; now there was no turning back. With dreadful excitement he trotted down the corridor that led outside, cautiously as he did not want to wake his sleeping neighbors.

He practically threw the door open, now no longer caring if anyone would hear it bang against the wall. By the time they got up to check he would be gone. Ed felt no fear as he ventured out into the snowy world outside.

Snow had begun to fall and Edward stared up at the sky, watching the flakes flutter onto his face and into his eyes. Blinking the excess moisture away he walked the short walk to the small alley that was next to the dorms. As he entered the narrow passage he threw off his coat, letting it fall into the snow at the entrance. By the time someone noticed it, it would be too late. The frigid air raised goose bumps on his exposed flesh arm, but soon he would be even colder.

He grabbed a stray garbage can lid and filled it with snow then sat down in the alley next to a tipped over trash bin. Gently he placed the lid onto the snowy ground and clapped his hands, placing them on top of the snow that lie inside. Blue light flared against the alleyway walls like lightning for a few seconds before it slowly dimmed. In front of him now sat a makeshift bucket full of icy water. He looked at it and laughed quietly at the thought of this being his last shower.

Edward, still laughing to himself, grabbed the bucket and without any hesitation dumped it over his head. The instant the cold water hit his head the air was forced from his lungs with a surprised gasp, he hadn't thought about how cold the water would actually be. Still he sat there, gasping for air, as the liquid emptied onto his curled up body. Ed then threw the empty bucket to the side and focused on his quick breaths, how his heart pounded in his chest in a desperate attempt to warm him back up. But Ed made no move to leave his current spot; he leaned back and stretched his legs out in from of him instead.

The cold was unforgiving as his body shivered violently in response to the water. With a small, ragged, sigh he closed his eyes and waited for death's icy grip to envelope him.

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**One final note before you go, I guess you could call it a little trivia. Ed's method of suicide is the one I was going to go with. It's been so cold here up in Pennsylvania recently and with no knives, guns, or pills you get creative. When you really want to die you look at every possibility, you look at everything in hopes that in someway you could use it to end yourself. **

**Before this message gets to dark I shall just leave it there. I thank you so much for reading and hope you'll like the next chapter as well. If you liked this one leave a comment if you wish, I always love hearing from you guys. It truly does make my day to know people took the time out of their day to read this.**

**Love you always.**


	2. Chapter 2-Frozen World

**I know that my last Author's Note was depressing and dark, and I apologize for that. If it made any of you uncomfortable I'm sorry, it's just that's the hard truth behind the mask of depression. I feel the need to be honest with you all and that was me being honest. And to be fair I was in a dark place when I wrote that last AN but now I'm feeling a little better after talking it out with my therapist. **

**Still there are good days and bad days, and I guess you could consider today a good day. Either way I try to write this story daily, and actually have the next two chapters written down. I'll type them out when I feel the story needs a little kick, but until then they shall remain in my notebook. **

**Anyway, before this gets too long, know that I love you all and thank you for reading.**

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**Frozen World**

Colonel Roy Mustang walked down the slightly snowy sidewalk, pulling his winter coat closer to his frigid body. A small breeze had begun to sweep through the city, making it almost unbearable to be outside. In this early morning cold he was the only one out and about.

The colonel had forgotten to tell the Elric brothers of a new lead towards the philosopher's stone, and with the phone lines down with this information on his mind he just had to tell them. Maybe this would be the lead to end them all.

On his way to the dorms snow had begun to fall heavily, quickly powdering the roads. Thank god the dorms were only a couple of blocks from Roy's home. If he had driven here who knew if he would be able to make it to work today.

As he neared the dorms Mustang noticed something red in the snow, half buried in the soft powder. For some reason he had begun to feel uneasy at the sight of it. Why did its color bother him so much? Curiosity pulled him towards the object and he froze as he realized why he had felt such unease.

It was Fullmetal's jacket.

Quickly he ran forward and snatched it from the snow, examining it closely. There was no blood or tears in the cloth, so there must not have been a fight. There was no doubt in his mind though that it was Edward's; the symbol on the back gave it away. But what was it doing down in the alley? He looked towards the dark alley in confusion and got his answer.

From where he stood a flash of gold caught his eye and he rushed forward, nearly slipping in his mad haste.

In front of him, slumped against an overturned garbage can, sat Edward. He could see that snow had begun to collect on the boy's head, and his hair was slicked against his face. Then with a flash of worry he saw that the boy was dressed in his tank top and leather pants. Even worse were that his eyes were closed.

"Fullmetal! Edward Elric!" The colonel called, hoping to see Ed raise his head in response, telling him to bug off. When he didn't Mustang knelt down in the snow in front of him, putting his hands on the boy's shoulders. His lips were a deep shade of blue against his pale skin and with a twinge of fear he noticed the boy had stopped shaking from the cold.

Shaking, he moved his hand up to Edward's neck, fingers feeling desperately for a pulse against the frozen skin. It was there, faint and soft, but it was there. Then he noticed the boy's chest rising and falling, and quick, shallow, gasps escaped from his parted lips.

But how and why was he out here? And why was he soaked to the bone? Roy turned his head, noticing a bucket to Edward's left. He picked it up and began to examine it with sharp black eyes. He instantly noticed that there were transmutation marks all over it and a chill ran up his spine. Had Edward done this to himself? Why?

"Edward…" He trailed off, setting the bucket down and placing his hands back onto the boy's shoulders. He began to shake him as he called his name once more, this time a little louder. Roy was about to run and get help but help was too far away, who knew how long Ed would last in this state?

Suddenly Edward's eyes fluttered open, revealing glazed over, bloodshot, golden irises. They slowly moved around in the sockets, looking around the alley until they rested on Mustang. He saw a spark of recognition in their golden depths and he relished in the fact that Ed was somewhat conscious.

"Colonel?" His voice came out as a weak whisper that left Roy leaning in, waiting for more. "What are you doing here?"

"I was coming to give you some information on a lead but found you out here instead." He explained slowly, but the boy wasn't even paying attention. His eyes were focused on a point past Roy's shoulder.

"Am I dead yet?" His question caught him off guard, and he didn't know if it was direct towards him. Turning around, hoping to see Al, he was instantly concerned when he saw no one. He turned back around too look at Ed with a confused expression, why would Ed ask such a thing?

"No Edward and you won't be anytime soon." Mustang reached forward in an attempt to pick him up, to carry him to warmth and safety. To his surprise Ed flinched away, curling in on himself and pressing his back closer to the brick wall.

"No, please no. Let me die, please just leave me here." He cried out weakly, words slurring as he spoke. He shrugged off Roy's hands, leaving the man before him dumbfounded.

"Edward…what did you just say?" He asked voice tight with his own fear. The boy glared weakly at him and opened his mouth to say more, but he suddenly went limp and his eyes closed, slumping awkwardly into the snow. Panic fluttered in Mustang's chest and he grabbed Ed once again by the shoulders.

"Edward!" He called but the blond didn't answer. With fear clouding his mind the colonel began to think of the basic knowledge he knew of hypothermia. Sudden realization hit him and he remembered Ed's coat. It was bundled at his side and he quickly laid it on the boy's shoulders, wrapping it around his small frozen body. He had to warm him up somehow.

Quickly he shrugged off his own coat and laid it over the boy, hoping to insulate him in any way from the cold world outside. Ed stirred slightly but remained unconscious, now to get him inside.

Mustang reached out and grabbed the boy under the legs and behind the shoulders. He tried to ignore how cold the boy was and how the cold water had begun to seep through both jackets. With a small grunt he picked his unconscious bundle up, and that seemed to rouse Ed. Edward looked at the colonel through half opened eyes and he felt the boy shutter in his arms.

"Didn't I tell you to leave me?" He hissed, struggling weakly against the strong arms holding him.

"I'm not leaving you out here to die!" Roy answered, his fear giving way to frustration as he stood up, cradling the boy to his chest. Ed let out an exasperated groan and closed his eyes as the colonel began to walk.

"But I want to die." He whispered, making Mustang stop dead in his tracks.

"Edward…" He trailed off, beginning to put the pieces of the puzzle together in his mind. The boy HAD done this to himself and he had done it with one thing on his mind. Death.


	3. Chapter 3-Confusion

**Yesterday was a really bad day for me. My Grandmother came over and we talked about suicide and depression. It just made me feel worse and brought those thoughts back to the front of my mind. So all night last night I just wanted to be left alone, but at the same time I wanted comfort. No one was there though, my best friend had to study for an exam and he's one of the only people I can tell my true feelings to. **

**I just thought about all of the horrible things I've done, and how I'm a weak, pathetic, and selfish human being. I don't believe it when anyone tells me otherwise, I don't even believe my best friend when he tells me I'm wrong. I think I know myself better than anyone else, and all I know now is that I absolutely hate myself for being the way I am. **

**Like right now I'm being selfish, here I am talking about only myself and not even thinking about how people feel about these authors notes. I'm so self centered that it's sickening.**

**But anyway, before I go on and on about myself I'm going to end it here. Just know that no matter what I think of myself I love you all.**

**Thank you for reading.**

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**Confusion**

Before Ed could explain himself he had once again fainted, his weak struggles ceasing. This was bad; Roy thought to himself, the boy couldn't even stay awake.

Quickly the colonel ran to the door that led to the dorms, shouldering his way in. The dorms were eerily quiet as he rushed down the hall towards the Elric's room, no one knowing about Edward's condition and how his body now clung to life.

Then he was there, standing in front of their room. He gently set Edward onto the ground, leaning him against the wall, and the tried the door. He turned the knob to hear a faint rattle as the bolt twitched but nothing more happened. The door was locked, figures. Letting out a small sigh he raised his fist, ready to pound the door to splinters.

"Don't." Ed's single word seemed slurred; the colonel turned his head to see the boy trying to focus his eyes on him. "Al can't know."

"He has to know now Edward, I am not leaving you to die!" Mustang growled quietly, fist still raised to the door.

"He can't see me like this." The boy's words slurred together and the colonel noticed, with alarm, that Ed's skin had gone a pale shade of blue. He was getting worse.

Without saying anything more Roy banged on the door, watching Ed out of the corner of his eye as he did so. The boy was struggling to stand, his movements labored by his frozen joints. Before he could even attempt to stand the door was flung open.

Al stood in the doorway, curiosity glittering in his soulful eyes.

"What are you doing here colonel?" The armor asked, cocking his head to one side. Mustang looked at the young boy and tilted his head to regard Ed. Alphonse leaned out of the doorway and let out a horrified gasp when he saw his brother.

"Ed!" The armor echoed with the younger brother's cry. The colonel turned his head to see Edward slumped awkwardly on the ground, eyes closed once more. Al seemed frozen as he looked at his brother, armor trembling.

Before Roy said anything he turned and picked up Edward, noticing that the jackets surrounding him were now soaked through. The boy remained limp in his arms as he turned to Al.

"We need to warm him up." He said; worry working its way into his voice, "He's getting worse."

Mustang knew the younger Elric had many questions, but he stayed silent as he backed out of the doorway to let the two of them in. The colonel nodded his thanks and walked into the small dormitory.

"What do we do?" Al asked as Mustang strode by, walking past the small kitchen and into the living room. He thought about what the military had taught him about hypothermia and an idea popped into his head.

"We need to get him out of this wet clothing first, and then we need to rewarm him." Roy quickly began to unwrap the bundle in his arms, practically ripping off the soaking wet jackets. Alphonse helped to get his brother out of his shirt and boots but when it came down to removing his pants the armor froze.

"Do I remove his boxers too?" Mustang nodded and Al let out a sigh. "He isn't going to like this…"

"I don't care; as soon as he's out of these clothes we can dress him in something warm." His voice was quick and professional, as though he were ordering one of his team to do something as simple as paperwork. Even though he really didn't want to see Edward naked he knew it must be done.

"I think I should do it, with you in the other room." Alphonse stated. Mustang let a relieved smile part his lips as he nodded, handing the boy over to his brother. He hadn't even thought of that and he was proud in a way that Alphonse had bested him. The younger Elric gratefully took Ed and quickly darted down the small hallway to the elder brother's room.

Mustang stood there, noticing that the front of his military jacket was soaked through. He shivered at the thought of Ed sitting outside like that, soaking wet, and awaiting death. Why had the boy done this? Before he could even begin to wonder Al was back, Edward lying in his arms wearing a black sweater and sweat pants.

"How do we warm him up?" Al asked, wrapping his steel arms protectively around his brother, as though his sheer will would warm him.

"Blankets, lots of blankets," Roy stated, "Go back and find as many as you can. Give him to me and I'll get him settled on the couch." Al nodded and reluctantly handed his brother over to the colonel, casting one last look as he rushed down the small hall.

Mustang wasted no time in getting Ed situated on the couch, propping his feet up on the armrest and wrapping his military jacket around the boy. He then felt for a pulse in the boy's neck, it was still there thankfully but faint as ever.

Before he could leave, Edward's automail hand reached out and grabbed his sleeve. Roy looked down to see the boy's eyes locked onto his own with a dreadful fascination.

"Don't leave me." The words took Mustang by surprise, "Don't leave me…alone with Al…" It sounded like he wanted to say more but he was stopped as Alphonse entered the room, arms full of blankets and thick towels. Roy wanted to ask the frozen boy what he meant by that. The brothers were so close, why wouldn't he want to be alone with his own brother?


	4. Chapter 4-Words left Unspoken

_**"All the words left unspoken**_

_**Are the pages I write**_

_**On my knees and I'm hoping**_

_**That someone holds me tonight." -Outside by Hollywood Undead**_

**So sorry for how short this chapter is, the next one is much longer. I've had a rough week and yesterday was the roughest. I woke up at 1 Thursday morning and stayed awake until 10 just because I was too anxious to close my eyes, hell I was too anxious to even eat. And to top it off my therapy session was very intense and left me feeling even worse, because now I have to do a self harm workbook. It sucks because I want to cut myself but I know if I do I'll most likely be sent back to the hospital, and I also don't have ANYTHING to use to cut. I'm just frustrated and miss that feeling, that high you get after slicing the blade of scissors across your arm or thigh. I just want it back and it's the one thing that I can't have back. A little advice, don't ever, EVER, start cutting. It's like a drug and right now I'm having withdrawal and it sucks.**

**I'll tell you all a secret, if you care to listen. I had a friend who used to cut, and I thought she was the coolest person in the world. I wanted to be like her, so I carved a broken heart into my thigh because she had carved one into her chest. I then found out that wonderful high you get after all that pain and I kept doing it. She encouraged me, hell she even told me to sanitize the blade before cutting. This person is gone from my life, not by my choice, and I miss her so much. It's horrible to miss someone who had such a bad influence on you, who pressured you into doing such terrible things. Not a day goes by where I don't miss her, and it's been close to three years now. **

**Sorry this author's note is so long, guess I just needed to vent. Just remember that I love you all and thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the reviews, favs, follows, and views. It lifts my spirits to know that people are reading this story, and I hope you are all getting something from it.**

**If you are suffering from depression know that you aren't alone, that there are people out there that feel what you feel. Sometimes you just need to be reassured that you aren't alone in this world, I know it helped me a ton when I was at my lowest.**

**Anyway, love you and thank you so much. **

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**Words left Unspoken**

"I won't." He said gently, watching a small amount of anxiety leave the boy's face. With a small sigh Ed went limp, his hand still locked onto the colonel's sleeve. He turned to look up at Al, trying to hide his confusion.

Without a word Al nodded and knelt down by Ed as Mustang tried to pry the metal fingers from his sleeve to no avail. The younger brother laid the towels down first, receiving a confused look from the colonel.

"We don't have many blankets, all we have is two bed sheets and three blankets, and he needs more warmth than that." Al explained and Roy nodded in agreement. He grabbed one of the towels from the armor's hands and, without speaking, began to dry Edward's hair. It was awkward, since Ed was still holding on tight to one sleeve, he was using one hand. He stopped after a few minutes with a satisfied grunt, setting the towel on the ground.

Al had begun to set the sheets and blankets over his brother's sleeping form, looking at the colonel's sleeve the whole time with a curious light in his eyes.

"He latched onto me and I can't seem to get him to let go." Mustang said, letting some disbelief creep into his voice. Al didn't say anything more as he finished tucking the sheets around his frozen brother. When he was done Al knelt back down beside Mustang and Ed, confusion glittering in his eyes.

"What happened colonel?" He asked, soulful eyes seeming to glitter unshed tears.

"I don't know for sure, I was walking to the dorms to give him a lead and I found him in the alley." Roy spoke truthfully, still not too sure about what Ed had been doing outside.

"Do you have any idea?" Al seemed to know he was hiding something. Mustang didn't want to say it, to voice his opinion for once. All he did was let out a small, sad, sigh. Alphonse didn't push the subject, thankfully, even though his eyes glittered with curiosity. They both looked down at Ed, watching as he squirmed and shook. He looked so uncomfortable…

"Hey, Alphonse, can you bring him some pillows? They might warm his head up." Mustang asked and Al nodded, standing up and quickly darting down the hall. He let out a sigh and again attempted to pry Edward's metal fingers from his sleeve. All of the sudden the boy's hand went limp, fingers falling from the fabric. Concerned, the colonel inspected the automail hand. Before he could figure out if Ed had purposely let go or if his automail had failed Al had entered the room.

"Colonel…" Al's voice shook and Mustang instantly looked up. In the armor's hands were two pillows and a note. Dread filled the colonel as he figured out what that piece of paper was, why Alphonse was so upset. It was a suicide note.


	5. Chapter 5-Sorrow

**I have little to no motivation to write right now. I've practically fallen back into my depression and I don't care anymore. Before I would have fought to get out of it, but what's the point? We all die in the end, our lives are just dust in the wind, what's the point of living in this world? I know it sounds like I've given up, and to be honest, I practically have. If there was a way to get into my gun cabinet I wouldn't hesitate to grab one and blow my head off. **

**But no matter what, this story will get finished. I owe you all that much at least. But who knows what the future holds for me? Because right now I see no future in the world for someone like me. I'm just a pathetic excuse for a human being.**

**I know all these thoughts and feelings may seem sudden, but something has happened in my life that just broke me. I won't say it here but if your curiosity is too great send me a message and ask, I'll most likely answer back, I almost always do. **

**Really the only thing keeping me going is this story and all of you, knowing that there are people that don't even know me care about me. I know that sounds strange, but all of you and like two friends of mine are the only thing that keeps me from ending it all. This week has been really rough and full of so many emotions, and I see my psychiatrist tomorrow and my therapist the day after. Maybe they'll cheer me up, or send me to the hospital again. If I don't update this by Friday or Saturday, assume that I'm back in the hospital. I won't be able to work from there unless my parents rip the papers out of my notebook and give them to me (no spiral bound notebooks allowed there) so I can work on it from there. But whatever happens, I will finish this story.**

**Well this has gotten long, sorry about that. I'll go now and let you all enjoy the chapter. Thank you all for the reviews, favs, and follows, they really cheer me up. I also enjoy getting messages from you all, they give me something to look forward to, they really do.**

**Anyway, enjoy and know that I love you all. **

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**Sorrow**

"I-It's a…a…" Al fell to his knees, dropping the pillows to clench the note with both hands. The armor rattled as he waited for Mustang to speak. The colonel only lowered his head and clenched his fists. How could Ed do such a thing? Didn't he know the pain this would put his brother through?

"I had no idea…he was in such a dark place…" Alphonse whispered, "That he blamed himself for so much…" Mustang knew the pain Ed was going through though; he had gone through it himself. After Ishval Roy had been ready to end his life, but Hughes had stepped in and saved him. He hadn't done anything as drastic as Ed, but who knew what would have happened without Hughes?

Sorrow for his lost friend threatened to consume him, to throw him back into that dark pit of despair. How could Ed believe that no one would miss him? After months without Hughes Mustang was still grieving.

"When you've lost all hope you look for anything to end it. You fall into this dark place, this pit, and you feel nothing for the ones you'll leave behind. It's true when they say suicide is a selfish act, but when you're all alone with these feelings you can't help but think that way." The colonel explained sadly, shaking his lowered head then raising it to look at Edward.

"But he promised to never leave me…How could he think I wouldn't miss him?" Al was in shock, his voice full of sorrow and unfathomable pain.

"When you're that low you forget ever promise you've made, you think only of one thing." Mustang would have said more but the frozen, shivering, form before him began to stir. Edward slowly opened his eyes and let out a moan.

"Brother…" Alphonse stood up, note still clenched in his hands, as he walked to stand beside Roy. Ed's blurry eyes struggled to focus on his brother, his light blue lips parted as though he were ready to speak. Then he seemed to notice the paper in Al's hands and his eyes widened in horror.

"You…You weren't supposed to find that…until…" He trailed off, squeezing his eyes shut in an attempt to block out the world.

"Until what brother? Until I found you frozen outside?" Al cried out, no anger in his words, just an unbelievable amount of sadness. Ed opened his eyes and Roy was shocked to see tears streaming down his face.

"Al I…I…" He broke off with a sob, his automail hand raised to cover his face. Mustang knew it was the delirium of the cold that made him act this way. Ed never cried in front of anyone, let alone his brother.

"Why won't you just let me die!?" Edward screamed, voice so broken. He suddenly began to attempt to sit up, struggling with his flesh arm as though he suddenly had arthritis. Mustang knew it was his time to intervene as he put a hand on Ed's chest. The boy turned his head to regard Roy with confusion, as though he had forgotten he was there. He opened his mouth to say something but Mustang cut him off.

"Why? Because we care Edward." His voice was soft, gentler than he had ever spoken to Ed. He seemed to notice this and tensed up in response.

"Why would you care about me?" His voice was full of disbelief, and he noticed that Ed was giving him a weak glare. Roy looked at the shivering boy before him, noticing with relief that his skin was now pale white instead of blue.

"Edward, I'm not the heartless man you make me out to be. It may seem hard to believe but I do care about you, you and Al both." He glanced at Al as he spoke, seeing the armor tense up as well.

"The truth is that I see you both as…well as my sons in a way. I haven't said anything about it before because there was never a right time. Now I feel the two of you need to know, to know that someone, outside of family, cares." He spoke slowly and gently, casting glances at both boys as he finished. Al just stood there and nodded slowly while Ed, propped up on his elbows, just looked at Mustang in confusion.

"I-I don't know…what to say…" Edward whispered, removing Mustang's hand from his chest as he sunk back down onto the couch. The colonel smiled at the thought of a speechless Ed.

"You don't have to say anything, just think about it for a little." Al nodded again and Ed's eyes suddenly began to glaze over, as though he had already lost the will to stay conscious. He closed his eyes with a small sigh and went limp. Roy could have sworn he saw the remnants of a small smile on the boy's face.


	6. Chapter 6-Sick Mind

**I've debated whether I should stop the author's notes, but I feel that I need them and I can't just leave you all hanging like that. Recently I have essentially been told not to tell my emotions to anyone but close family, my therapist, and psychiatrist. I don't really care, but from now on my close friends won't know of my problems, it just burdens them and in the end they will leave because of it. I know after this story is finished you all that are following will leave me, so I'll continue to write these author's notes since it doesn't really matter. Hell I bet half of you don't even read the author's notes, I don't know whether to be happy or saddened by that.**

**Anyway, you guys are my only way of letting my emotions out, since no one from now on can know. My parents won't even know, I don't want their attention any longer. It sickens me that they treat me like a kid still when I'm nineteen, an obvious adult. But then again I don't act like one, so why should they treat me like one. I hope that by hiding my true feelings that they will leave me alone and begin to treat me like the adult I should be. Lately I've been overdramatic just to get attention and I feel awful for it. It just reinforces my beliefs that I'm a terrible person.**

**Anyway, I won't bore you with these ramblings. If you really want to talk to me then send me a message, I rarely send messages out to people who offer to help because I don't want to burden anyone. I've done that too much lately.**

**Thank you all for the favs, follows, and reviews. I really, sincerely appreciate them. They keep me going, and I'm not being overdramatic about that. **

**Hope you all like this chapter, even though it's dark and Ed acts a little too much like me, so sorry if he is OOC. The next chapter is much better in my opinion.**

**Love you all.**

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**Sick Mind**

"Do you really mean that colonel?" Al asked with a voice full of hesitant hope. Mustang then realized that Ed and Al's father had left when they were very young. Of course the younger Elric would be craving a father figure in his life, hell even Ed must crave one no matter how much he hated to admit it.

"Of course Alphonse, I truly mean it." He looked up at the armor and smiled softly. He had always been easier on Al than Ed, and at the moment he felt bad about that. Maybe if he had treated the older Elric like he treated Al then maybe they wouldn't be in this mess. If he had just manned up and told the boys his true feelings earlier…

"Colonel?" Alphonse asked shyly, his head lowered to look at the paper in his hands. "There seems to be a part of this note directed towards you."

Fear crept up his spine as he reached out for the note. What if Ed blamed him for everything? They hadn't really gotten along but Roy had hoped that the boy knew all the insults were just there to toughen his skin. Al handed over the paper and the colonel began to read.

_"Tell the colonel none of this is his fault. Though his leads were all dead ends he tried his hardest to help us. I can never thank him enough for that. He may be a bastard at times but he's been a great help. Tell him that in the short time I've known him I've looked up to him. Tell him I'm sorry I let him, and everyone else, down."_

Mustang finished the small paragraph, feeling tears form in his eyes. Ed looked up to him, he didn't hate him as much as he made it out to be. He gripped the paper tighter as all of it registered in his brain.

"Colonel?" Al asked, his voice low and careful like he was talking to a wild animal. Mustang looked up and prayed to any god that would listen that Alphonse didn't see his unshed tears.

"I thought he would blame me, I thought I had driven him to the end of his rope." He turned his head as a tear leaked from one of his eyes, cursing himself. He couldn't breakdown in front of the younger brother, but with everything that had happened this morning he was at his breaking point.

"Never thought that." A soft voice sounded in front of him. He raised his head to see Edward looking at him through half opened, glazed over, eyes. Those eyes widened in shock when he noticed the tears leaking from the colonel's eyes.

"Edward…" Just speaking the boy's name made the tears fall faster and he looked away in shame. "I read your…your message directed towards me…"

"You…what?" Edward sounded shocked and slightly embarrassed. Then there was a hand placed on his shoulder in comfort. Then the colonel lost it.

"Oh Ed!" He sobbed into his hands, not caring if the boys looked at him in pity. These feelings and thoughts were just too much for him. A vague memory of crying like this, along though, after Hughes had died. This was different though, this time the one that caused the tears was alive. The boy was alive and he could change things, he could save Ed from doing something foolish.

Silence stretched on, only broken by Mustang's occasional sob. When he had calmed down, at least stopped crying, he looked up at Ed through bloodshot eyes.

"Edward, why would you think no one cared? There are so many people who love you and would be broken if you were suddenly gone. What do you think they would do if you left?" Ed turned his head, removing his hand from Mustang's shoulder.

"Why should anyone care about a burden like me?" His words weren't as slurred as before and his lips were a paler shade of blue, but he was still shaking violently.

"Why? Because you aren't one. No one thinks that about you and they never will. Why do you think you're such a burden?" Now it was Mustang's turn to comfort the shaking, broken body before him. He put a hand on Ed's shoulder and gave him a small shake.

"I've done so many things wrong, I just hold people back. I just don't understand how you all can't see how much of a terrible person I am." Edward looked at him, such misery in his eyes. They suddenly began to glaze over like he was going to pass out again.

"Edward, stay with me!" Mustang dug his fingers into the boy's flesh shoulder, receiving a wince. His eyes slowly began to clear and they focused on Roy.

"Edward, you've made mistakes, everyone has. God knows how many I've made, but do you see me beating myself up over it? You have to move on, you can't dwell on them or you'll drive yourself crazy. Mistakes don't make you a terrible person, if they did then everyone in the world would be considered one." Mustang knew he was awful at giving advice, but he spoke from his heart and he hoped that counted towards something. Ed let out a small crazed laugh, his eyes glowing with an emotion that Roy couldn't quite pinpoint.

"The world is full of terrible people though! People just like me! What makes my life any more meaningful than anyone else's? What's the point of it all? Humans are like ants, whose really going to care if one dies? I'm no different than the strangers you pass on the street!" Edward had lost it, and instead of crying he had gone into an even darker part of himself.

"Brother!" Al cried, looking at his brother with horror glowing in his eyes. His voice didn't seem to reach Ed; he just stared at Mustang with a twisted smile on his face.

"We're all going to die in the end, why don't we get a choice in how it happens? Doesn't that seem a little unfair colonel?" Another laugh as Ed struggled to sit up. Mustang was frozen to the spot but Al was beside him in an instant, hand on his brother's chest as he held him down.

Panic lit the boy's eyes and he began to thrash against the hands holding him down.

"Let me go! Throw me back out to die!" He screamed, knocking the blankets, towels and Roy's jacket from his body. At this rate Ed would hurt himself.

"Enough!" Mustang roared, Ed stopped in his thrashing in response. He looked away from the colonel and his brother, letting out a loud sob. They boy's body tensed then went limp as he accepted defeat.

"Why can't I just die?!" Ed cried out in a voice full of misery. They slowly eased their hands away and let the boy turn his back to them. "Life is too cruel!"

"Edward, please calm down. You aren't thinking rationally right now, whether it be from the cold or your feelings. Just relax and let us help." Mustang put his to Ed's automail shoulder, relieved when the boy seemed to relax at his touch. Al draped the colonel's jacket over his brother and then began to pile on the towels and blankets, tucking him in tightly.

"I'm sorry! Please don't leave me, I didn't mean it!" He sobbed, shoulders shaking as he cried into the couch.

"You're just emotionally unstable right now, we understand. Just breathe and calm down." Mustang soothed, his voice quiet and slow. Ed sobbed for a minute longer and then stopped, sniffling like mad.

"I don't deserve your kindness." He whimpered.

"You do deserve it; no one deserves to be left alone when they're this low." Mustang said sternly, Ed only sniffled in response.


	7. Chapter 7-Talk

**I really don't have much to say in this author's note for once. This week has been tough and on Sunday I did one of the worse things I could do. I cut myself after months of not doing it. I guess I just missed the high after cutting too much, or maybe it was just to feel in control. I'll figure out why I did it in therapy though, since my therapist won't let me forget about it.**

**There are only two chapters left of this story, after that I'll either work on The Plunge or Scattered, maybe both at the same time, who knows. Anyway sorry this chapter is short, I'm just really tired and this is what was written down for a chapter.**

**Thank you all for the favs, reviews, and follows, they mean the world to me.**

**I love you all, always remember that.**

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**Talk**

A few minutes of silence passed, broken by Ed's occasional sniffle that was muffled by the couch. Mustang knew the boy was taking all this in, still fighting a mental battle that no one else could stop.

An earlier question flashed in Roy's mind. He had suddenly remembered the first thing Ed had said to him in the dorms. _Don't leave me alone with Al... _

"Alphonse, can you leave the room for a second? I need to talk to Ed in private." Mustang looked up at the metal boy, knowing how confused and torn he must feel. Reluctantly, without a word, Alphonse left the room. The colonel listened to his steps as they clunk down the hall. When they stopped he let out a relieved sigh.

"Edward." He put a hand to the boy's shoulder, gently shaking him. Ed let out a small groan and looked over his shoulder at Mustang.

"What?" His voice sounded so defeated, "Another pep talk that won't do jack shit?"

The words stung Mustang and he flinched as though physically struck. "No, just a question."

"Great." Ed muttered, closing his eyes and letting out a sigh. "Go ahead, ask away."

"Why don't you want to be left alone with Al?" He cut straight to the point. They boy before him slowly turned over so he was facing the colonel, his eyes held none of their normal fire. Ed closed his eyes once again and was silent, making Roy think he wouldn't get an answer. Then he spoke.

"He must be so disappointed, seeing his brother reduced to a mess like this." Ed whispered with his eyes still closed. "I don't want to hear him tell me what he truly thinks."

"And what is he thinking?" Mustang asked, keeping his voice calm and even. Ed opened his eyes, golden orbs full of anguish.

"He has to hate me for even thinking like this. I tried to end it all; I almost broke my promise to him. I told him I'd never leave him, and here I am." At least he now realized how far he had fallen, how close he had been to death.

"What did you think would happen if I hadn't found you? What would he do without you?" Mustang hoped that Ed wouldn't lose it like he had earlier. But the boy seemed to remain calm as he began to speak.

"He'd get over it, just like everyone else would in the end. He'd move on without me, hell he would probably be better off." Edward's earlier madness had left the boy in almost a peaceful state. His eyes now seemed to hold a dreamy glow, as though he were finally at peace.

"What would you do if Alphonse had done what you just did?" Mustang asked simply, watching as that dreamy look left his eyes to be replaced with horror.

"I'd be heartbroken." Edward now seemed to grasp the reality of what he had done. His shaking intensified.

"Do you finally understand Edward? You'd leave a hole in this world that could never be filled. No matter how much time would pass nothing would ease the pain of your passing. All of us, not just Al, would never get over it." He stopped when he saw tears leak from the boy's eyes. Ed closed them and raised a hand to wipe away the stray tears.

"I understand now colonel." He whispered, opening his eyes to fix Mustang with a burning look. That old fire had returned to his eyes, duller than before, but it was back none the less.

"Now think about everything that I told you. Do you want me to go and get Alphonse?" A long sigh as Ed closed his eyes and Mustang hoped he wasn't losing the boy. Edward nodded quickly, a small smile on his face.

"Go ahead, it's time that I got what's coming to me." He opened his eyes and watched closely as Mustang stood up, his eyes never leaving the colonel until he was out of view.


	8. Chapter 8-A Brother's Concern

**Sorry the last author's note was so short, I was really tired after typing that chapter, most likely from my new medication I had taken that day. I'm not taking that pill again though, because after that I couldn't sleep for over twenty four hours, which is never fun. **

**I've got nothing really to say about myself in this little note, I guess I'm slowly getting better. I've been thinking about fanfictions most of the time and have a few new ideas for stories that I might make a reality. There's a little poll on my profile that I'd like if you put your input there. I don't know whether to make a new story or update and existing one, and I really want to see what you guys think. It's just a quick little thing and I'd really appreciate if you took the time to answer it. **

**Either way this story will be ending with the next chapter, which will also be short, but I really hope you'll like the ending, I think you will. I don't want to give much away but it has a nice fluffy ending.**

**Anyway time to end this little note, thank you all for the favs, follows, and reviews. They mean the world to me, they really do.**

**Remember always that I love you all.**

**:) **

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**A Brother's Concern**

Ed could hear Mustang talking quietly to Al, probably informing him of the conversation they had just had. He felt a strange sort of calm, kind of like the feeling he had before going out into the cold to die. It was the feeling of acceptance at what was to come. He could just imagine Al letting him have it, like the time when he had almost been killed by Scar. How had he forgotten Al's despair at the thought of being left alone?

What a fool he had been.

Clunky footsteps sounded down the hall, gradually getting closer and closer. A metal head peaked around the corner, eyes glowing in the dimly lit room.

"Brother, the colonel said you wanted to see me?" Ed flinched at the worry and pity in his brother's voice. This might be harder than he thought.

"Yes, come on in Al." The armor was at his side in an instant, crouched down by his head by the couch. Ed let out a groan and propped himself up on his elbows. Al reached out to help but was batted weakly away; he didn't need his brother's help. He heard movement in the hall and saw Mustang standing in the doorway, watching the brothers with a gentle stare. Ed knew he was trying to keep his earlier promise.

"Brother, I'm so sorry." Edward looked back at his brother in shock. The armor before him was shaking.

"What do you have to be sorry for?" He asked, drawing Mustang's jacket closer to himself. He still felt so cold.

"I should have done something; I should have known how depressed you were. How could I be so blind?" If Al had had his body Ed knew he'd be in tears. Now he had to make do with his armor shaking.

"How could you have known?" Ed asked gently, finally feeling like the older of the two. "I showed little to no signs; I should be the one apologizing."

"But we're always together! How could I not see a change in you?" He cried, fists clenching into his knees.

"I've learned to be really good at hiding my emotions. I didn't want you to worry about me or treat me differently." Edward explained, heaving himself up into a sitting position.

"It's a little late for that now." Al stated simply, no anger in his voice. "You have me worried sick and there is no way I am letting you out of my sight."

"I know Al. I don't deserve your trust after all of this." Why wasn't Al yelling at him? How could he not be mad? The younger brother let out a sniffle and fixed his brother with a burning gaze. Ed braced himself against Al's wrath.

"You can't do this alone brother, please let me help you." His eyes widened in shock. Al wasn't mad?

"Al, I can do this on my own…" He trailed off as his brother's gaze seemed to darken.

"You've shown today that you can't, stop being stubborn and let me help you for once." He sounded more frustrated than anything. Ed let out a sigh as he admitted defeat.

"You're right." He admitted, lowering his head. "I obviously can't do this on my own, and I'll accept your help."


	9. Chapter 9-My Spirit Will Go On

_**"One more time to escape from all this madness**_

**_One more time to be set free from all this sadness_**

**_And one last time to be the one who understands_**

**_My soul and my spirit will go on, for all of eternity."-My Spirit Will Go On by Dragonforce_**

**Well this is the last chapter, the story has come to an end. It was a wild ride let me tell you, and it was great to get back into writing again. I'm glad I got to write this story, to tell my own story of recovery through it. I thank you all so much for staying with me through this journey, you've all been great.**

**Anyway these lyrics are meaningful, story wise and personal life wise. I've been listening to a lot of Dragonforce lately and this song seemed to fit pretty damn well. **

**Well anyway guess this is goodbye for now. I'll most likely begin to work on Scattered once again and finish that story. I'd like your opinions on what I should do though, so please take the time to answer my poll on my profile. It would be much appreciated.**

**Thank you all so much for the favs, follows, and reviews. They really mean the world to me.**

**Thanks for reading and cya all later! **

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**My Spirit Will Go On**

Silence stretched on, interrupted by a small cough. The brothers looked up to see the colonel standing in the doorway, eyes focused intently on them both. It was impossible to tell what the man was thinking.

"Edward, I want you to know that you have my help as well. I truly care about the both of you and want you to be safe." Mustang walked the short distance to the end of the couch. Before Ed could say anything Roy had sat down beside him, placing a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

"Thank you." Ed spoke sincerely, swallowing what was left of his pride and accepting the colonel's help. Hell without him Edward would be frozen outside.

"You're still so cold." Roy stated, glancing quickly at Al. "Could you make him something warm to drink? Make it sweet as well."

Alphonse nodded and slowly stood up, looking at his brother with calm eyes. Ed watched as his brother crossed the room and into the little kitchen.

"It's really coming down out there." The colonel remarked, head turned towards the window. Ed followed his gaze to see that the outside world had been reduced to a white haze.

"That it is." He said, suddenly very aware of how close Mustang was to him. The man beside him was so warm…

Almost as though he had spoken this out loud the colonel suddenly pulled him closer. Ed let out a small gasp that ended in a sigh. He nervously buried his head into Mustang's chest, wrapping his arms around the man's neck in order to get even closer.

The colonel flinched from the cold presence beside him but didn't push him away. Instead he lowered his gaze until onyx eyes met gold.

"I almost lost you today…" He broke off, taking a deep breath before continuing, "Don't you ever try to pull a stunt like that again."

Ed let a small smile cross his face, listening to Al finishing up in the kitchen. "I promise I won't do anything that dumb again. I've learned my lesson."

"Good." The colonel said, turning his gaze towards the kitchen as Al walked in with a steaming mug. "Though I think I'll stay the rest of the day to see if you mean it. Hawkeye and the others shouldn't mind."

"Okay." Edward sighed, taking the mug Alphonse was handing him. He nodded gratefully and took a sip, recognizing the flavor of hot chocolate on his tongue.

"Oh, and colonel?"

"What is it Edward?" His voice was suddenly tight with worry.

"Thanks for saving me." Ed locked eyes with the man and saw the worry change to something softer.

"No problem, just work on getting better." He nodded and focused on his mug, taking another small sip. For once in his life Ed felt content. He let a small smile part his lips, locking this moment away, tucking the memory deep into his heart.


End file.
